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hi lillian [Mar. 4th, 2008|10:21 pm]
i started a new journal. but i'm keeping it private, because i'm finding that it's good for me to keep some things to myself.
nothing that i normally wouldn't tell you. just it's nice to know i have stuff just for me to see.
but you understand. :)

there are no new and shiny boys in my life. although, i wish there were. never been so horny in my life. it's really sad and pathetic, actually.
i have the biggest crush on my friend garrett though. but that's just going to stay a crush. he's quickly turning into one of my best friends, and if there were ever something to happen between us, and something went wrong... i would be devastated if i lost him as a friend. so i'm trying to hook him up with various girls i know.. but that's not working, because he doesn't call them back.. (he and i flirt SHAMELESSLY, so i think it's kind of flattering.)

school is more stressful than it has ever been. in class every mon thru thursday from 8am to 9pm. and friday 10am to 3. with maybe a one hour break. all the rest of my time is all homework and no play. so sad. but a friend and i might be taking a road trip for our spring break, and that will be nice.
started a pharmacy tech class... so far, so boring. not really "learning" anything i didn't know. so i use that as my time to return text messages i got earlier in the day/week that i chose to ignore. lol

basically, my life hasn't changed very much, and if you tried really hard you could've guessed all of that.

gossip wise... no gossip. i don't get to see anyone anymore because my schedule is so jam-packed.

oh, started marathoning grey's anatomy a couple weeks ago. i LOVE(!!!) that show! the soundtrack is even better if you haven't gotten around to listening... i'm only on season 2, but i only watch it on weekends when i need a homework break. lol

bought fleetwood mac's greatest hits last night. cool.

songs i think you should listen to:
dead streets by the monotypes
edge of the ocean by ivy
song beneath the song by maria taylor
have it all by jeremy kay
in the sun by joseph arthur

let's correspond through this. or email. because i'm only on here because i saw you left a comment. lol. either way, i want to keep talking with you :)
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(no subject) [Dec. 30th, 2007|08:09 pm]
are there no good men?
please, let me know now.
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(no subject) [Dec. 21st, 2007|11:22 pm]
guys are fuckin stupid.
why lead a girl on, when you're not going to be takin any initiative at all? talking all about how you want a relationship, asking if i want to be in one... talkin about hypothetical situations if i were your girl, what i would do if you did this or that... tellin your mom i'm the kind of girl to take home, saying we'll do the wine nights at the beach... telling me every night, "i like you a lot," "you're a sweetheart," i want to take you here, i want to take you there...

but you blow me off tonight, and apologize all crazy sayin "you would be the perfect girl for me, but i'm not looking for a relationship"

why do all the guys i meet have some kind of commitment phobia?

they all say, "you're too good for me, i don't want to hurt you."

really. first jacob, then john, now roem.

well, jacob was a twat. that was john's excuse for not chasing after me.. and i don't know about roem.

i'm furious right now.
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(no subject) [Dec. 10th, 2007|09:01 am]

question: are you looking for a relationship?
answer: i'm not sure.

roem asked me that last night.. i know he's looking to be in one. but i'm not totally sure how i feel about that.. i mean, i kind of just barely escaped one.. is a month too short of time to move on? i don't know if i'm prepared. john found out about roem, and i felt bad because i had moved on, and he still hadn't... i'm starting to realize john did have genuine feelings for me, which is super frustrating.. i mean, i will always care for john.. but i'm stuck because i don't know where to draw that line. why couldn't he have expressed anything like that before? i said i loved him before he left for vietnam, and all he said was he'd be calling me.. he's home for not even a week, i break up with him, and all of a sudden these feelings come pouring out of nowhere? what the fuck?
roem asked me if i still talked to john, and at the time i wasn't. but john's been calling me recently.. just to "talk".. and i don't want to cut him off.. but i feel like i should. because i almost KNOW i'm going to be hurt..

i like roem a lot.. and i think what's holding me back is that i'm mostly afraid of being hurt... i feel like i am totally in a vulnerable situation here... because while i really do want to be in a relationship.. i think it might be too soon.. 

any second opinions? should i jump for it? or should i hold back?

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(no subject) [Dec. 1st, 2007|07:32 pm]
i met someone. his name is roem. and i like him a lot. and i think he likes me a lot. but i don't know if i'm ready for anything like that right now.
not that i'm stuck on john, it's kind of far from that right now, actually.

i just have so much other shit on my mind. like school, lack of money, family worries with my grandma in the hospital and my grandpa getting upset at the slightest notion. i don't think i'm ready for another potential piece of drama to stir up my emotions. i mean, i like this guy a LOT, and i don't know if it's because it's something new, or if we actually do click.
i mean, i feel like we click, but i don't know if he feels that way.. idk. i'm a total basketcase right now.

maybe i need to wait until winter break is here. then i can fully relax, and not worry about things.. well, at least have school off my mind.
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it's been awhile... [Nov. 5th, 2007|11:00 pm]
so here's something funny..  after reading the last couple of posts up... john and i did end up getting back together...

and i broke up with him last week.

what a vicious circle... but this time it's for good.. and i really, truly, honestly hope we can be friends. he's my best.
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a secret. [Jun. 4th, 2007|10:34 pm]
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]

i hate when everyone is back from school.
i turn into the second wheel again.

why is everything in my life falling apart right now? it was so good for a while. i would trade anything in the world to go back 4 months.
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i deserve better. [Jun. 4th, 2007|10:01 pm]
and this is how i know it will never work out between me and john.even though i've been trying so hard to deny it. i know he cares for me. but not near as much as i care for him, and this one-sided road shit isn't cutting it for me.

i tried to believe he would change. and for a minute, he acted like he would. i wanted to get back together, and i wanted him to prove to me that he wanted to as well. but he doesn't know how to be there for me, and that's what kills me. because i am ALWAYS there for him. and i don't make it hard at all for him to please me. a phone call, a nice conversation here and there, i don't know.

he can go on for hours about how unhappy he is at the credit union, or at the army.. but when i have a bad day at work, he asks why i try so hard at my job. i don't want to be that employee everyone talks smack about for being lazy and irresponsible. i want to be the employee who people want to be, the one who is admired, even through all the shit s/he has been through. and i try to explain this to him, and all he says is, "look, i don't want to hear about it right now." i mean, a little bit of fuckin sensitivity would have been appreciated. but to end the conversation there? fuck. he pisses me off.

and that's it. i'm going on that date with jacob. because even if i do fall for him again.... he'll be slightly easier to get over because he's far away.

but i wonder. did i ever really love john? or did i just yearn for his attention? because i know i never got what his other girlfriends got. he never said, "i love you," i never got flowers... his thing was, "i've been burned so many times, that i need to know for sure before i can make that kind of commitment." how long does he need to commit? we dated for 8 months... his second longest relationship. his friends loved me, and a few of them thought i was "the one" for him.

i fell for liana, and i fell for jacob. but john was a little different. it wasn't something i felt right away. does love come right away? or is it something that comes with time? or was what i felt for liana and jacob lust?

i think i'm tired. i'm going to sleep now.
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a text. [May. 20th, 2007|01:51 pm]
me- "hey hope tonights a lot of fun... i still love you and stuff."
john- "why do you love me"
me- "i don't know. because even with i'm not with you, or i'm pissed off with you, or i feel like i can't stand you, i still want you. and i know how you feel about getting back together.... and i'm trying really hard to get used to it... but i felt like i really need to tell you how i feel.. so that way, when i look back.... i won't regret never telling you."
john- "i'm glad you told me."
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(no subject) [May. 17th, 2007|05:41 pm]
i miss him so much. i think i made a mistake.
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