|i deserve better.
||[Jun. 4th, 2007|10:01 pm]
and this is how i know it will never work out between me and john.even though i've been trying so hard to deny it. i know he cares for me. but not near as much as i care for him, and this one-sided road shit isn't cutting it for me. |
i tried to believe he would change. and for a minute, he acted like he would. i wanted to get back together, and i wanted him to prove to me that he wanted to as well. but he doesn't know how to be there for me, and that's what kills me. because i am ALWAYS there for him. and i don't make it hard at all for him to please me. a phone call, a nice conversation here and there, i don't know.
he can go on for hours about how unhappy he is at the credit union, or at the army.. but when i have a bad day at work, he asks why i try so hard at my job. i don't want to be that employee everyone talks smack about for being lazy and irresponsible. i want to be the employee who people want to be, the one who is admired, even through all the shit s/he has been through. and i try to explain this to him, and all he says is, "look, i don't want to hear about it right now." i mean, a little bit of fuckin sensitivity would have been appreciated. but to end the conversation there? fuck. he pisses me off.
and that's it. i'm going on that date with jacob. because even if i do fall for him again.... he'll be slightly easier to get over because he's far away.
but i wonder. did i ever really love john? or did i just yearn for his attention? because i know i never got what his other girlfriends got. he never said, "i love you," i never got flowers... his thing was, "i've been burned so many times, that i need to know for sure before i can make that kind of commitment." how long does he need to commit? we dated for 8 months... his second longest relationship. his friends loved me, and a few of them thought i was "the one" for him.
i fell for liana, and i fell for jacob. but john was a little different. it wasn't something i felt right away. does love come right away? or is it something that comes with time? or was what i felt for liana and jacob lust?
i think i'm tired. i'm going to sleep now.