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(no subject) [May. 11th, 2007|07:58 pm]
it's over. i broke up with him today.

and he didn't even fight it. he just said FINE.
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some words. [Apr. 25th, 2007|10:12 pm]
sorry i've been slacking. it's not that i've been busy, but more like overwhelmed...

school is getting a lot harder. it's almost the end of the semester, but it's all piling on right now... maybe because everything i learned in my prereqs have all been used up and everything now is completely new to me. i'm not getting my straight a's, which ticks me off.. but hopefully without work in the way next semester, it will be doable.

john and i have been ricky rocky. i sometimes don't know how to deal with him. if i complain about something, he'll either fix what i complained about for about 2 days (because it's usually about how he doesn't give me the attention i crave) or he'll complain that i complain too much.
i'm not really asking for much. just a little bit of positive attention. i mean, i don't get surprise calls during the day, thoughts of taking me out to dinner, and i've still yet to get flowers. he complains when i want him to drive out to my house... it's like he thinks that this whole relationship revolves around him. that i should always drive out to him, and do all these nice things for him. i mean, i feel like i'm being the most supportive i can be, completely loyal in every way, and so much more. whenever i'm out somewhere getting food, or running errands, i always ask him if he needs something. i don't nag at him for going out, i give him space when i know he needs it... even with our sex life, when i don't want to have sex, he gets all butthurt, but when he doesn't i don't get anything... does this happen with everyone? and i'm just being particularly needy?
should i back down a little?
maybe i should.

because i want to take a break. but i don't want to lose him. and i'm not even sure it's that i don't want to lose him, but more i don't want him to find someone before i find someone....

i'm going to bed. my next post will be a little more positive, i promise.
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ummmm. [Mar. 10th, 2007|11:17 pm]
tonight was the most awkward night of my life.  mom found my birth control. i mean, how do you explain that to MY mom?

john's all "umm.. i don't think i'll be invited over anytime soon..."
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(no subject) [Feb. 23rd, 2007|04:12 pm]
i got my apology.. but i'm not so sure i'm satisfied.
we'll see.
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jeez. [Feb. 22nd, 2007|11:33 am]
"you know, i used to consider you my best friend, big sister, mentor, whatever. but i'm so tired of begging you to be here for me, spend time and talk with me. is it really that hard to call someone back?"

i give up. i can't keep pretending she's my friend. you know, for about two years in my life, i would have done absolutely anything for that girl. i fucking fell in LOVE with her. she was my number one. and this hurts so fucking much, because i know these new friends of hers will never be as good a friend as i am.

i hope she realizes she's made a big mistake.

and what hurts the most, is she's not even trying to make things better.
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fuck. i hate family sometimes. [Feb. 21st, 2007|10:30 pm]
dAy SedNcOnfUs3d: do u have kori under ur facebook friends?
jamiesavdtheday: no
jamiesavdtheday: why
dAy SedNcOnfUs3d: okay cause auntie donna called my mom and said dawn has a myspace did u know that?
dAy SedNcOnfUs3d: and a facebook
dAy SedNcOnfUs3d: and blahh blahh blahh
jamiesavdtheday: ....wtf
dAy SedNcOnfUs3d: and told her she thinks I'm doing drugs
jamiesavdtheday: so why does that matter
jamiesavdtheday: oh god.
dAy SedNcOnfUs3d: with u
dAy SedNcOnfUs3d: and the other cousins
dAy SedNcOnfUs3d: and told her I drink alot
jamiesavdtheday: fuck
jamiesavdtheday: what ythe hell is wrong with her
dAy SedNcOnfUs3d: and I was going to say to delete her from her profile
dAy SedNcOnfUs3d: *your
jamiesavdtheday: why? i have nothing on my profile against me except im in a relationship with an "older man"
jamiesavdtheday: i dont drink i dont smoke
jamiesavdtheday: i dont party
dAy SedNcOnfUs3d: well idk I feel like she's spying on all of us
dAy SedNcOnfUs3d: haah ok
jamiesavdtheday: bah
jamiesavdtheday: that pisses me off
dAy SedNcOnfUs3d: whatever I guess it's just me cause I'm such an alcoholic
dAy SedNcOnfUs3d: hahaha
jamiesavdtheday: oiy
dAy SedNcOnfUs3d: jk
jamiesavdtheday: but hell yeah when the nakamura reunion comes up, we're totally getting smashed

so, apparently i am the family crackwhore. i sleep around with older men, i drink like a camel and i smoke like a mutha fuckin chimney. shiiiet.
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(no subject) [Feb. 20th, 2007|09:30 pm]
went to the DLI today with john and maryann. we worked out at the gym for like an hour and a half. i thought i was going to die. note to self: do not work out with army people. shit.

afterwards john treated us to papa chanos. (i know, what a great meal to eat after burning off so many calories) but john was craving it, and maryann and i went along since he was paying..

so i have to admit, that maryann really isn't that bad of a person. i actually kind of like her. actually, i do like her. shes pretty sweet. but enough of this, i need to get back to my homework.
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friends are fads. [Feb. 19th, 2007|05:20 pm]
[Current Music |the wallflowers- one headlight]

i'm a little depressed right now.
work is falling apart.
and my only friends are john and meggie.
i love them both to death, but what's a girl to do?

liana doesn't talk to me because she's made "cooler, and more fun" over the legal drinking age friends. and since we don't work together anymore, there is simply no more time for me.

brad and carolyn are both flaky and two faced. still pretty bitter about the party. and i don't like how they are sweet as sugar towards me now. i don't like their games.

my schedule is completely opposite to that of mira's. so i never get to spend time with her unless school has been cancelled for the both of us. which is almost never.

i need to get out of here and meet new people as hard as it is for me.
i need to go to the gym more often.
i need to eat healthier. sometimes i feel that i'm not good enough, or pretty enough for john. i see pictures of all his old girlfriends and wonder why he likes me. what he's holding from me. everyone who knows us knows i'm madly in love with him. and sometimes i just don't feel him all the way there. i am very intuitive. and i don't know where he is. i try talking to him, but he loves changing the subject.

i need a therapist. i'm too emotional right now.
i need a change.
i need to do something for me. not my mom. not meggie. not john.

maybe i'll take a trip after schools out. put some money aside to go somewhere else. maybe hawaii. florida. san diego. disneyland. shit. i don't know.

i'll work out this semester, take biology over the summer, then for fall 07: public speaking, more biology, pre calculus, economics. so about 15-16 units.
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running out of time... [Feb. 14th, 2007|10:39 pm]
i'm still not so sure i'm real big on valentine's day..

but i was a nice girlfriend today and bought john a surprise breakfast.. white chocolate mocha and blueberry muffin. "happy valentine's day, muffin!" he just looked at me and laughed.

i was at school all day today. took my pilates class in the morning instead of tomorrow night so john and i can celebrate "our" valentine's day...
english was boring. talked with a very attractive boy whose iq was similar to that of a tree. lindsay was stoned. charles was having his flashbacks. oh, english is a blast alright.

today was a good chemistry day. i got an a on my quiz the other day, and i got full points on my lab. i was very happy. :)

went to math. i was fuckin tired, so tiffany and i just sat in the back. kind of doing our own thing.

john's at his cousin's house right now playing poker. i'm trying to stay awake for another half hour, because he said he would call me when he left.. but i think i might just go to sleep and let him wake me up because this update wasn't quite as long as i thought it was going to be.
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(no subject) [Feb. 13th, 2007|09:44 pm]
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